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February 16th, 2008
06:54 pm
I feel the expanse of my eyes' sight widening to everyday's brighter sunrays.
There are so many words to say, but I think so much of everything, I've lost that ability to be in the present moment, oh don't worry- I'm still highly sensitive and receptive, but as in reacting to "the moment".
I'm beginning to love myself again. I know I never should have tried to be "in a relationship" so soon- I'd only just recovered, just began to be able to be out and open with people, and most of all, able to love myself.
I can let go of guilt, regret, anger, hurt, and shame, as well as other such things of course.
I've missed writing about myself and those people who are a part of me and I, a part of them, and all of our lives and how they affect us, and everything like that. What I haven't missed is the obsessing, the analyzing, the dwelling, and the places my mind would take me when I let it lead me. There are three seperate entities in here (that I know of), and those are my soul, my mind, and my heart. They don't live together well. My soul drains away in love because of the mind that shouts and screams at it and the heart that wails.
I've found not to put my faith anywhere but myself, and I know I can trust myself. I've doubted it a great deal in the past, though no longer do I consider myself an enemy of mine. I still take all the blame for almost everything, but I know I am my own savior. I've never looked for someone else to save me, and no one has ever really tried. Maybe, Amber. Maybe, Ellen. Amber in large part. Amber, she could have if I would have let her. I've wanted to save others, Amber, but I couldn't even save myself then, but I do not beat myself to a pulp over it. I am not mush!
From what I've found, I've gathered that we must save ourselves.
Now, I've gotten distracted as I do when I write like this. Okay, so much just aches to see the light of birth.
What I was going to type, that was..I made myself a pizza, I used cream cheese. As I ate it I thought to myself, "This is disgusting." But, I've been doing that a lot lately, so I just ate it anyway. I had to eat something, and pizza had looked so good, and I made it, and there was no one else to eat it, and I very much hate wasting and throwing away perfectly good food. You know what I did- I ate it. On with you horrible story-telling told story! So, I ate it. It was gross. Then, I thought, "...well, a nice coconut cupcake would be nice." I attempted it, but because I don't like recipes and I'm not sure of the chemistry difference between cake and bread, well, you cna guess it. Yes, I made coconut bread, and I tried to eat that, and though it was gross not because of lack of sufficient taste but lack of cake-making knowledge, I ate it. That whole hate-to-waste shit. Ha! Well, I probably wouldn't waste shit either.
So, I was playing some good music, and couldn't help dancing. I danced, and thrashed that food around a bit, and then you know what I did? I got the idea in my head that a hot cinnamon bath would be delightful and I could light a cinnamon candle and use my cinnamon soap and oh how lovely it would be. I do this sometimes, I forget my own life, and I live for feeling instead of thinking about living. I can be very impulsive at times. This was a time.
I took a bath, I got very hot, I could feel my heart's beats through my back and down my arms and when I got up half an hour later, I was dizzy. Breath was hard to catch. Being nauseous, I leaned over the toilet bowl, and prepared myself for puking. I don't dislike bodily functions or disfunctions, what am I saying- yes I do. I dislike body. Well, what I really don't like about this puking business in particular is seeing what was inside me outside of me, as it is coming out of me no less. It's not fair. I can't get out, why should the pizza be allowed?
Well, I didn't puke, much to my dismay. You know as well as I do, it usually happens that promptly following a good puke, one feels much better than before when one felt as though (s)he could puke. So, puking is the antidote to that horrible inconstitution, usually. That is, when you can make yourself, or yourself makes you, puke. I couldn't.
You know what I did? No, you don't.
I felt horrible for a bad hour or almost two. I feel I may never eat again. This seems like myself's way of setting myself up for what myself's known I should do for awhile- detox.
So I shall.
I still feel very weak and I took that bath a little before the five'o'clock. I won't be angry with myself. Myself is just doing me a favor. I may not have detoxed like I was planning to, I may have taked myself out of it. Obviously, myself predicted such coquetry and made sure otherwise. All right.
By the way, that is one of my new affirmations- all right.
Now for some Jewel, because I haven't listened to her in quite a while.
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Comments:
firstly, this entry brightened my day.
secondly, I apologize that your discomfort made my laugh (mostly the part about how if you're not allowed out why is the pizza. I wonder the same thing)
Thirdly, I tried to make cupcakes today with cake mix and didn't know how much to pour into each cup and the whole thing ended up over flowing the pan and i had cake mix everywhere with no sight of any individual muffins.
lastly, you're right, we do have a bit in common.
keep writing. |
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