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August 3rd, 2008
08:02 pm - thinking things out: health, life, short-term & long-term goals
besides not coping well with my life, (though i didnt know it at the time) i felt well most of the time. though from not coping properly overtime, i developed a repetoire of disorderly conduct in the mind.
i'm remembering all this because whenever i ever get a little happier, i go back to caring about myself, and taking care of myself. i'll start to eat better, and exercise, and think postively, and have motivatiion, and energy. but in the past, it never lasted for very long, and i'd eventually just go back to not caring.
well, now that i'm on anti-deppressant medicine, and not anti-psychotics, which did not help at all, i have control over my emotions, i can think so much more clearly, and i have virtually continuos energy and motivation, so i'm taking much better care of myself, better and better everyday.
and i'm 130 now, 5 years later. though that would seem like a healthy weight to most people, i have a smaller bone structure which is meant to hold less weight. by the BMI index, i am still healthy at 100 lbs. i already know this by looking at my body. back then, i still thought i was "fat" because i wasn't firmed and toned. i exercised a lot, but i had been overweight since i was little, so it was hard for my body to let go of all that fat, i guess. i know i am overweight now, because i can grab handfuls of fat from my thighs and my hips. i couldn't do that when i was 100 lbs. i just jiggled a little when i ran.
i dont want to develop any unhealthy relationships and/or attitudes to food, i've gotten over what small issues i had.
and my concern now is less for my physical appearance, and much more for my health. i've fasted many times now. they're not difficult and i find now that so many people eat so much and they think they cant skip a meal, like they'll starve, when almost all of them can afford it, because they're body would probably benefit from it, it would give their bodies a break and an oppurtunity to use up fat stores. i love the feeling of fasting, and now, i almost get annoyed with the mass-developed-habits of eating frequently, unhealthily, and heapingly. i just want to eat fruits and vegetables, and eat very little, and drink lots of water and tea, i know i would feel so much better, and i can and i do eat this way most of the time, but it is when other peoples' influence comes into the picture that i have a hard time.
anyways, i'm getting off track.
i'm exercising a lot more. i jog often.
i still eat unhealthily here and there.
i know how much better i will fell not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well if my body was in a healthier state.
i want to lose this 30 lbs. to do it healthly, studies have shown that i can only lose 2 lbs a week.
following this, if i do this right, i can lose it in 3 & 3/4 months. that seems do-able.
i figure, since it's summer, and it's a lot easier to fast right now, i'll fast to get myself in gear. a fast cleans you out and shrinks your stomach and sensitizes your taste buds, and most importantly, gets you more in touch with your body, so that you're more attuned to its needs. this seems to be the perfect first step.
today i ate a smoothie for breakfast, a handful of corn nuts, a veggie sand. on wheat, one half at 2 and the other half at 4, and refried beans, corn chips, and salsa at 6, then, a small bowl of ice cream at 7. not a good pre-fast day, not a good day in terms of diet anyways, but i'm not going to wait any longer.
i've got three weeks before school starts, so i'll water fast for 4 days, any longer, the harm outweighs the benefits, and from there i'll drink herbal teas, and then, juices, later, homemade veggie broths. it will be great if i can continue like that for the next three weeks.
i've promised myself i will jog at least 3 times a week, and do some other type of cardio at least once. i know i can do this, and it's very realistic. actually, it will be easier to eat less and healthier during school, it's just harder to fast because sometimes i feel weak, and sometimes my mental functioning is impaired, and sometimes i get moody, sensitive, and irritable. and sometimes, i get diarhea.
that, and having good study habits this year, (so my time isnt wasted and i actually retain what i learn, and so, hopefully, i will be able to handle having a part-time job, and still get a good score on the SATs) are my short-term goals.
i wouldnt even worry about the job, but i'd really like to have a car before the end of the school year, if not half way through it, and to be able to move out by the summer before my senior year, which is in a year. these are my long-term goals.
i've can get a car before i can get my own place. the least i can spend and get a dependable, used car, is $2000. my grandaddy will match whatever i save. i have about $400 in my savings now. i wont count on my mom helping. i need $600 more to get a car.
if i start working in december, over xmas break, i'll have had a few months to get used to the school routine, my studying routine, and all that jazz, so that i can handle going to school and working.
and i work for two 30 hr wks during xmas break, i'll have another $400.
i'll still need $200 more, which i should be able to make in 2 wks, working 15 hour wks. that means, i'll have made $600 in 4 wks, and i'll be able to get a car by january. that would be great!
from then on, i plan to continue working 15 hour wks for min. wage, which is about $6.65.
and by july, i'll have made about $2250. subtract $500 from that for spending money between febuary and july, and i've got a $1750 nest egg.
this is all so do-able. i can do this!!!
i would wait, so it's easier for me to get better grades and SAT scores because i have more time to study, but school and everything that comes with it, as well as life, will be a lot easier when i have a car. and my own place.
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